i AM i said

It's not always laughs in the world through the eyes of Monica.

Sometimes it's all I can do to hang on. Not always, because generally I'm a happy person. Sometimes, like last night, however, I lose it.

See, I yelled at my girls. I was being a good mommy all day. Driving, preparing meals, taking care of baby, fulfilling my boutique orders, going to the post office, the market, sewing some more, playing with the baby, playing with the girls and making sure they did their homework, making dinner and on and on.

I wanted a break. Just a tiny one. I wanted to watch my recorded episode of Destilando Amor which is more than just a Spanish lesson anymore. It's a half hour escape. The baby was fine, practicing her crawling, but Celeste wanted a snack and I snapped.

"Please! Leave me alone! I'm desperate!" I cried after giving her bag of Bats N Jacks pretzels left over from Halloween. Celeste recoiled at my outburst. I immediately felt horrible, but I was still desperate.

Celeste, crying miserably ran upstairs to Emme and instructed her to remind me not to yell at them. We have a pact, the girls and I. When I am at my wit's end and starting to lose it, they are to remind me to calm down by saying "Mommy, you're getting frustrated." That's the pact that I broke yesterday because when Celeste's emissary came to give her message, I shouted her out of the tv room. "All I want is a few minutes! Go back to where you came from!"

They left me alone. I apologized later and they forgave me, but I still feel bad. That pact is not just for them. It's for me. It's to remind myself that these are gentle humans. Real people, not just kids, who deserve not to be yelled at ever. Small beings whose biggest goal in the world right now is to please me and Daddy and make us proud of them.

***

This morning, I went to the supermarket. I volunteered to make chile verde for Bruce's company potluck to celebrate the coming holidays. I carried Brooke in her little frontpack and pushed the cart around slowly because she enjoys this kind of outing.

I found myself looking for small things to please my older girls. A dollar set of ice cube trays which makes fruit shaped ice. A package of cherry Kool-Aid and some potatoes so that they could cut them up and make homemade stamps. I realized that I was doing these things to appease my conscience, but I didn't care. It made me feel better.

I shopped around picking out things for the potluck here and there. I went into the vegetable section. It was time to pick out the ingredients for the salsa part of the chile verde. I talked to Brooke as I examined the peppers. "Now what would Grandma pick to make the salsa?" I asked her.

Floods of memories overcame me. Green peppers, tomatoes, yellow peppers, jalapenos roasting on Grandma's stove. The blackened skin of the fragrant vegetables curling and flaking away... Holding the hot peppers under running water so as not to burn the fingers with the powerful oils...don't rub your eyes...Grandma singing under her breath so softly all you could hear was sss....ss....sss....

I was hit so hard with these memories I nearly buckled at the knees. I was holding a green pepper in my hand - a perfect green pepper. I focused on it so I wouldn't fall apart. I took some deep breaths and finished up my shopping. I wanted to cry so badly, but who can cry with a beautiful baby strapped to the front of them? I am an eye magnet with Brooke. It's amazing how many people turn and smile when we are out together. Babies make people happy.

I just finished up roasting my peppers. The pork is braising on the stove. I forgot to remember to wash my hands after handling the peppers. I am crying torrents and writing. I should be working. I rub my eyes and feel the stinging oils of the jalapenos. I miss Grandma, I miss my mom, I miss Bruce, I miss the girls, I miss Brooke who is napping right now.

I need a break. Now I know what "Calgon Take Me Away!" really means.